— by Ivan —
This story is purely fictional, unless, of course you happen to find a pie company calling itself “Olympic Pies”.
Our shoot for Olympic Pie company was about to begin. We were VERY lucky to have gotten a great spokesperson for our large and luscious cream and chocolate pies. We thought that, during these Olympics of 1996, that getting an internationally known swimmer to hawk our pies would be a great way to sell them.
Her name was Kori Vakomsky, a strange-sounding Eastern European, Slavic name. She agreed to do our commercial for our pies as a break after winning her third gold medal in the Olympics backstroke. Best of all, she agreed to do it in her blue one-piece swimsuit!
Kori was 27 years old. This was her third Olympics. Kori entered the studio wearing a gold bathrobe. She had on those little goggles around her head. The director asked her to remove the goggles, because they would interfere with the, uh, “shoot”. Kori disrobed. She was barefoot. She had long, soft white legs. Her light blue swimsuit made nice curves around her butt and up along her chest. She had small breasts, like many swimmers do. Her hair was cut short: reddish brown.
Her face was sort of plain. To us guys in the studio, and maybe some women, she looked like the sexiest woman in the world: she was pleasant and a little bit jittery, unsure of what she’d be asked to do. She smiled with big white teeth as she spoke with the director about how to do the scene. The director led Kori to the stage.
The stage consisted of just a blue background, about the same color as her suit. At first this caused some concern– would she show up against the background? The director assured the agents of the Olympic Pie Company (that’s me) that she would, once the “action” began. On this completely primitive stage was one stool. Floodlights shown in front of it, lighting up the area where Kori would sit.
Kori took her place on the stool. Her legs were about one foot off the ground when she sat. Kori was about 5 feet tall, just perfect for the cameras. She followed directions without a hitch. The ad was going to go very smoothly, I could tell. In fact, several versions of the ad might even be shot today, if time goes well. Kori’s legs looked very sexy, being pressed against the stool To maintain her balance, she spread her legs apart just enough to hold on, but not too much to lose her dignity.
The director yelled “Action!”. Kori said her line, “Olympic Pies win a gold medal!” Just then, about 30 gallons of cold water GUSHED on top of Kori’s pretty head from the crew above. She was SOAKED. Kori laughed and giggled by the sudden deluge. The wet water glistened off her sleek swimsuit, which now shown like electric blue. Water dripped off her head, arms and legs. She squished up and down in her seat from the water. The director yelled, “Cut!” This was obviously not MEANT to happen. The deluge of water was meant to come AFTERWARDS.
It would take too long to fill up the barrel of water that had been poured down on top of her from above. So, it was decided that, when the water would be called for again that buckets of water would be thrown from the side to create the perfect wet look. But, the director wanted to practice first with the buckets, since Kori was already wet. Buckets took only a minute to fill. So, he had two of his stage hands go off to fill up four buckets of cold water to practice this improvised scene. Kori waited there, dripping in her swimsuit, for the buckets of cold water to arrive. She smiled and laughed, eager to get wet again.
The stagehands returned. Kori scrunched up on the stool, lifting one leg to sort of protect her chest. The director shouted, “Fire!” Just then, four buckets of water, in rapid-fire succession were released at Kori. Splash! One right to the face. Splash! One right to the stomach.Splash! Another to the face. Splash! The fourth to the legs and feet.Kori sat there with her mouth agape, her hair dripping. She shook the water droplets from her arms and proceeded to rub off the water from her legs. She was now ready for the advertisement shoot to begin in earnest. Kori sat on the stool, again, dripping wet, waiting for our next move. She was a little bit nervous, and bounced her soft thighs up and down on the stool. She did not have long to wait.
WHAM! A huge yellow-custard and cream pie smacked her RIGHT in the face. Her face was ENTIRELY engulfed in custard, cream and brown piecrust. She tried to deliver her line, but all that came out was,”Mmmmphh.” Pie surrounded her hair and ears. It covered her neck and part of her chest. She just sat there, frozen, a little bit surprised by what had just happened. This 27-year-old Olympic swimmer from some unknown Eastern European country had just received her very first PIE in the face! And, to be shown in public, too!
The pie made her short hair very sticky. Ms. Vakomsky lifted a hand to start to wipe away the pie from her eyes. Before she could: SMASH! Another pie, this time filled with cherry goop and chocolate frosting, made another direct facial hit. This time the pie tin stuck a few seconds. Chocolate and cherry splattered in all directions behind her onto the blue screen in back. If there was any doubt that there was a person on stage in a blue swimsuit, that doubt was gone now. The pie tin fell off. A huge mound of chocolate and cherry stuck to Ms. Vakomsky’s face. She tilted her head forward a bit. A huge glob of chocolate and cherry fell into her lap. She started to lick her lips ever so slightly.
Then, she said something that was not in the script. “I’m getting wet,” she muttered. The stagehands and director fell silent. Did she know what she had just said? Or, was it a language interpretation problem? She muttered again in broken English, “I’m getting wet.” One of the stagehands, being a wisecracker, replied to her, “I’m getting hot.” We were all tense at this sudden revelation from an Olympic swimmer and the impromptu response from the stagehand. I looked at the director and he looked back at me, wondering what would be said next. Then, Kori broke the tension with, “I’m getting wet from all this water you threw at me earlier. Now I’m sticky, too!” We breathed a sigh of relief. But, we DO think that the swimmer HAD revealed some other meaning about her feelings at that moment. The stagehand then corrected his remark by adding, “I meant, I am getting hot from all the lights in here.”
We continued the ad shoot. Just as soon as Kori said, “Olympic Pies win a gold medal, but it would be nice to wash them down with something…” WHOOSH, WHOOSH, WHOOSH! Three buckets of ice cold water were hurled at her in rapid succession. The water splashed her face directly and knocked off a lot of the cream and frosting. However, much of it stayed, and Kori’s face turned into a runny,smeary mess of chocolate, custard, cherry and water. The watery mess ran down the front of her suit.
The camera operator yelled, “hey! I forgot to put film in the camera!” Yeah, right! The last time we tried to do a shoot like this, he left the lens cap on “accidentally”. Well, whether it was by accident or by design, there WAS no film in the camera, and we had to shoot it again. So we got Kori ready: we wiped off most of the pie from her face. But, her hair remained a smeary, sticky mess. She said her lines again. SMACK! SMACK! Two more pies, right in the kisser. One had green lime frosting with whipped cream on top. The other had vanilla frosting with blueberry goop on top. Pie splattered on her crotch and stomach, too. She then said, ad lib, “I’m enjoying this!” and giggled. Although the script called for the buckets of water just then, we decided to go with Kori. Our stagehands could not control themselves. One threw a chocolate and vanilla frosting pie at her legs. Another hurled just blueberry pie filling with whipped cream at her crotch.
Kori sat there, pie covering her face, and receiving two more doses in the crotch and legs. She wiped down her legs like she were applying skin cream. Only after doing that did she wipe away some pie from her face. Then, three buckets of water were hurled at her. Again, her face remained still pretty much covered. She shook the water dripping from her arms and tried to catch her breath. She said her scripted line like a true professional. Then SHE asked, “Could we try that again? I’m not sure I got it right.” We would have been CRAZY not to oblige!
Now the director was losing control. He began thinking up new variations for this ad on the spot, and Kori was eager to try every one of them. We certainly had no shortage of pies. The director just decided to do away with the water, since time was limited and there was no point to trying to partially clean Kori between takes. He had her received two pies in rapid order– chocolate pudding and whipped cream– SMUSHED into her face from the side by some lucky stagehand. Another shot involved a double pie sandwich from behind the head, with two lemon meringue pies. Kori got the sides of her head and ears layered an inch thick in that take.
The stagehands were going wild: Ms. Vakomsky was having the time of her life (next to winning gold medals) having pie after pie smushed, thrown or smeared in her face, the back of her head and neck, on her chest, her legs, up and down her swimsuit. She rocked back and forth with glee on the stool, as she received her sweet, sticky skin treatment. But all good things come to an end. Kori Vakomsky, Olympic gold-medal swimmer jumped off her stool caked several layers from face to toe in white pies, in black pies, in red, green, yellow and blue frosting and fruit goop. The director slowly led her away tot he showers by hand so that she would not fall. I was SO tempted to greet her in the shower (or just before) to personally thanking for having such a wonderful time doing a low-budget commercial for our pie corporation and for lending her name and fame to our product. I knew that my company, the Olympic Pie Corp. would be making gold-medal earning that year with this ad. THE END