— by Ivan —
I took the large vanilla-and-chocolate frosting and marshmallow pie in hand as I slowly crept towards our secretary, Susan. Susan was a pretty woman. She wore a white blouse, beige knee-length skirt, and white canvas office shoes. She had a broad face with a broad smile. Her hair was short, curly and reddish. She was reading a document as I turned the corner into her office with my crudely constructed pie.
Earlier that day I had bought several cases of vanilla and chocolate frosting, some very sticky marshmallow fluff, and several cans of goopy cherry pie filling. I decided that if Susan (or I) did not survive the first pieing, there would be no point for an immediate second. So, I had that day at the office decided to build only one pie, and leave the other material in their containers.
I had scooped out a pound each of the vanilla and chocolate frosting, a pound of cherry pie filling was poured on top. And then 12 ounces of marshmallow fluff were spread on top of that. This way, when the pie was pressed against Susan’s pretty face, several different layers of sticky goop would smush their way around the perimeter of her head.
I crept into her office holding the mass. It was dripping all over the sides of the paper plate onto my hands and floor as I tried to balance it with one arm and a camera with the other. As soon as I was in point-blank range, Susan looked up from her documented and said, surprisedly, “Hello, Joe. What do you have for me today?”
With that line, I let her have it. SMUUUUSH! A very sticky, sloppy, vanilla and chocolate and marshmallow and cherry pie into her face. I twisted and twisted the plate for maximal adhesion. But, I did not really have to. Susan snapped back with surprise. She lifted her arms in the air above her head and waved them around as if struggling to hold onto something. The pie plate certainly stuck there. I snapped a few pictures. I heard her muffled cry, “MMMppphhh!” from beneath the pie plate.
Then she reached for the pie plate and pulled it off to the side. A huge dolop of white and red and chocolate stuck to her face. The marshmallow had oozed out like a wave around her pretty, curly hair. Her face was invisible. Chocolate and vanilla frosting dripped down in globs upon her baise skirt and white shirt. I had smeared the pie completely around her neck and forehead. She just let the mess of marshmallow/cherry/frosting just stick to her face as I took some more pictures. She did not reach for the pie on her face with her hands, as the fluff was VERY sticky.
I nervously waited for her reaction. Then is came: “You PIED me! How DARE you PIE me! I can’t believe you did that! I’m sitting all alone here doing my work when you came along and PIED me. WHAT will I do NOW? I LOVE it! Why don’t you take some more pictures and then pie me again? UURGGH…! I’m dressed in my business suit and you come over and completely PIE me! I’m a mess! I’m so sticky!”
I could not believe she said those words, but I ran back to my office to finish doling out the final amounts of frosting and fluff and cherry goop to construct a second pie. I was so nervous and rushing that I was getting pie material all over my desk and hands and EVERYwhere! I dropped my camera on my desk as it was too much to handle. I just intended to enjoy the reality of the situation as it happened rather than try to save every moment of it on film.
Bad mistake. I ran back to Susan’s office with me second pie when I stopped short inside her door. Susan had removed her blaise skirt and white blouse and was now standing in her office in a soft, blue cotton bustier. It was simple but VERY sexy. The pie still completely covered her face up to her ears. “Close the door,” she said. “I don’t want anyone else to see this. Since you pied me, I figured I should let you finish the job. Fortunately, there is a shower adjacent to my office to clean up. So, now, get it over with before someone else comes in here. Let me have it and make me sticky!”
With those words, I stepped forward and let Susan have the SECOND pie in her face EVER! This second pie was twice as big as the first! Since there was SO much frosting, cherry and marshmallow in this one, I took full advantage of smearing it completely around Susan’s hair and down her chest and across her blue, flowery bustier. Her hair was giving a total frosting shampoo. It was HILARIOUS! Susan herself began laughing and giggling as I applied the goop all over her. Her mouth spread open through all the white, black and read swirls. “UUUGGH! You’ve pied me AGAIN! I am SOOO sticky! I can’t see! I can’t believe you PIED me AGAIN! I’ve got frosting on my chest and down my bustier!” Her head took one smooth-over form with the vanilla frostin and marshmallow. Susan grabbed at the gunk from her hair but could not pull it out.
Finally, she said, “I’ve got to go clean up now. Sorry you didn’t have your camera the second time. Perhaps we can do this again someday, under better conditions, instead of at work?” I thanked Susan for letting me pie her and told her that anytime she wanted to pied, I was more than willing to do it. “It’s a date!” she exclaimed and walked into the shower to clean up her face and head and chest.